posts from alanisutopia

HANDS. 26th aug/'06 2:45 a.m

the re-memory of the weight of hand upon hand weighs me down.

there is not a better time than now to hold my hand.

the emptiness of the inside of my palm leaves me marooned.


HOTEL ROOM 9 a.m ( 27th june 2006)

what she does in
the absence of sleep
and talk
is
scribble.
to fill space
and lack of touch
and want for need.

SUNSHINE

linear
bright
and tall
just like my man,
is the light stealing into the room.

(crescent day? full of the promise of piranhas chasing after your tail!)


YOU SAY ( may 12th 2006)

you say:i love you so
you say: im happy if youre happy

between ten thousand miles of time and space
assurances never reach in time to make one feel
happy
and
loved.

MINUTES AFTER I DECIDED TO LEAVE YOU

minutes after i decided to leave you, i retracted my decision.
fear it was,
that you did not fight it
nor question.
and i could not bring myself to face the night with truth
rrrrrripping me apart!

I could not have left you
not for the true promise of my Utopia
because you know this well
you keep me at a continents lenght
and give me 'love' from afar

RETURNING A FAVOUR

she is buckling under the weight of her attempt to overwhelm his faithlessness

WE CANNOT HELP IT

i fear my need for you has the vengeance
to eat you up whole
and you fear the same

it is this fear
which has plundered our kingdom

WE

who have
not
the courage
to accept
the death
of magic(of love)


21st century prince ( 18th april 2006)

is busier than God.


meets his princess in a club, smoke-ridden(dances to electronica)

he wears denim over dirty keds and washes his mouth with vodka and cigarettes
he sticks his "gallant" tongue inside
rides on a rubbered horse
rides, with the calm assurance that the damsel will ride with him
terms of endearment travel through wireless
gagged and dying


21st century prince is shit scared of an ever after .
and buckled under the weight of a three-month separation.

its not dark yet, but we're getting there!!!!!!!!!!!

call for a rendezvous

it is possible to forget that there are memories of people
when such said people go away from you. when they leave no trace. no trails. and life assumes a sense of calm.
in the gut, the gut misses the adventure. the tumult. the rage and roar of the ram.

then
such memories as were asleep, are poked and prodded to wakefulness.
what a cruel thing to have happen to you. just such a situation.

and cinder-ella flinches, BIGLY!

the love we are given

a baby girl came into the world
her mother and father young and unsure:
'do we want to be together?'
'because of her?'
'for her?'
'must we?'

what love there was seems doomed to be lost in the sea of responsibility, because it will threaten their youth(because they are young), their peace and love of peace.
baby girl will cry
and the young shaky father will ask
'was she my soul-mate, must she be, must i make her be?'

i see them and smile.
because i had a soul-mate. and i let him go.

dear frog prince

last night a vision of you broke
my heart
this morning the debris lies
in my stomach
there is recollection
of the missing thoughts
of me missing you

finding out absurdity on the edge of 26

some days ago, a friend's sister died. she was 20.someone at the funeral said she was like a star.literally! that she lit up her world so. her mother,upon arriving at their house to a daughter greeting her from a coffin, buckled and had to be carried inside. there was not a dry eye in the house,as Meatloaf so eloquently said.
so it was that day,that i went from a funeral to a celebration of life.a birthday.of a friend with a baby in her belly.
so it was that i went from a place of utter devastation to a place of joy and happiness.
only to be called away because my grams' had had a seizure.
it was almost a Siddhartha Gautama epiphany for me.
a beautiful.dead.girl.
an expecting.expectant.mother.on her birthday.
my grandmother.92.in her skin. and bones.
life not enough
life on the verge of being birthed
life dying to die

retrospecting sadness

when we sign up for love, in the same exhilirating second, do we also sign up for a break of the same? when we stretch our hand out, looking to find another to find and give warmth to, why do we find it only to be dragged through the mire of thorny, cruel emotions at the last? how is it that what pulls us in is the very same thing that chokes us and makes us want to beat, tail-between-legs?

do some wise people go it...slowly? deliberating, weighing? does that make the fall escapable? does slowness guarantee safety? what of them that start out as friends, come together as one, only to be seen as a small speck hurtling down, separate, unable to hold on to each other for dear life?

is it at times better to be careless, throw caution to the wind and just rock and rock really hard! an end to this is almost certain, so volatile and full is it. therefore, prior knowledge lends to the sufferer/sufferee a certain armor that readies them somewhat from the onslaught that is sure to come hit them in the shins.

and how do you deal with the after-math? the remnants of failure and loss poking, pricking every part of you? staring accusingly at you, with an 'i told you so' look. how difficult is it to stand , tall, straight, erect after having the rug pulled out from under your feet? isn't there a feeling of jack-ass-ness?

these are hurtful times. we need warm hands. we must have tongue. we crave entry. we swallow the sharpness of solitude.

home

mornings start before 8
lovely dog who just plundered the third of eye-drop bottle
having to be in my brother's room to blog and all things www
catching up on tv shows
constant queries about next life-decision
friends getting married
friends cancelling wedding plans
old loves resurfacing
thinking of Bear in K-land
clean,wipe,shine
and
oh
obligatory church appearance.
moan
groan
oh brothers!