finding out absurdity on the edge of 26

some days ago, a friend's sister died. she was 20.someone at the funeral said she was like a star.literally! that she lit up her world so. her mother,upon arriving at their house to a daughter greeting her from a coffin, buckled and had to be carried inside. there was not a dry eye in the house,as Meatloaf so eloquently said.
so it was that day,that i went from a funeral to a celebration of life.a birthday.of a friend with a baby in her belly.
so it was that i went from a place of utter devastation to a place of joy and happiness.
only to be called away because my grams' had had a seizure.
it was almost a Siddhartha Gautama epiphany for me.
a beautiful.dead.girl.
an expecting.expectant.mother.on her birthday.
my grandmother.92.in her skin. and bones.
life not enough
life on the verge of being birthed
life dying to die

retrospecting sadness

when we sign up for love, in the same exhilirating second, do we also sign up for a break of the same? when we stretch our hand out, looking to find another to find and give warmth to, why do we find it only to be dragged through the mire of thorny, cruel emotions at the last? how is it that what pulls us in is the very same thing that chokes us and makes us want to beat, tail-between-legs?

do some wise people go it...slowly? deliberating, weighing? does that make the fall escapable? does slowness guarantee safety? what of them that start out as friends, come together as one, only to be seen as a small speck hurtling down, separate, unable to hold on to each other for dear life?

is it at times better to be careless, throw caution to the wind and just rock and rock really hard! an end to this is almost certain, so volatile and full is it. therefore, prior knowledge lends to the sufferer/sufferee a certain armor that readies them somewhat from the onslaught that is sure to come hit them in the shins.

and how do you deal with the after-math? the remnants of failure and loss poking, pricking every part of you? staring accusingly at you, with an 'i told you so' look. how difficult is it to stand , tall, straight, erect after having the rug pulled out from under your feet? isn't there a feeling of jack-ass-ness?

these are hurtful times. we need warm hands. we must have tongue. we crave entry. we swallow the sharpness of solitude.

home

mornings start before 8
lovely dog who just plundered the third of eye-drop bottle
having to be in my brother's room to blog and all things www
catching up on tv shows
constant queries about next life-decision
friends getting married
friends cancelling wedding plans
old loves resurfacing
thinking of Bear in K-land
clean,wipe,shine
and
oh
obligatory church appearance.
moan
groan
oh brothers!

such drought

wow!
such drought
i am going to the place where i was spawned
i am going to be watered and fed
i am going to sprout new branches
i am going to flourish in the utter absence of easy attainable contrete nouns.

winter has finally finally finally let up on this long suffering sunshine being. each new day id think its here!spring! and then would come a cold burst yet again. but now truly, le old man has gone to grow his white beard out of sight of us who love life,granting us reprieve from cold clutches.
goodbye to you, my (trusty) heavy,drab,furry things.
and a very grand hello to you,muchly missed shorts,slippers,chappals,and all flowy things made of cotton!
i see each new leaf coming to life,every new bud that has turned to blossom. my joy knows no bounds at the sight of the canopy of flowers i walk under.
this is a sign of new things being born. and the packing away of old hurts and things. there is light for me.everywhere. and i share it with everyone.because it is beautiful.this birthing of a rebirth.

juno

when i first heard about it,i was greatly intrigued,muchly because i saw ellen page in Hard Candy and i thought her riveting. but then i began to get anxious,was'nt quite sure i wanted to see it even. i guess i figured i would be disappointed. and disappointments are never good,ESPECIALLY at/by films.
and so! i didnt like the first thirty or so minutes.Juno has this really sharp wit that is perhaps meant to somehow endear you to her because of it but it doesnt. the witticisms got old really quick. but as she starts to grow in her pregnant state,there was this subtle peeling off of her angry teenage angst of being non-conformist. and she became just this girl who is as confused as everybody else and in the midst of all that confusion was lucky enough to find love. a love that probably wont last. but because everybody should have love that is real as real is at the time, juno redeems herself.
so thats why i love the movie.go see

we wish him well,dont we?
while all the while wishing that he would wish us there with him