2008. enormously scary portentous happenings anticipated

on the 3rd day of the new year,2008.i just got off the phone with Daddy Longlegs-Sir Galahad-The Frog Prince-Muffin. i didnt so much get off as i was cruelly cut off by the powers that be that determined i just had a minute left on my card. why is there so much time when you dont need it and so little time when you want it to last forever? how sad that reality and the natural order of things always happen in that one perfect moment that it will conflict with your divine plan!
and so, at this portentous time, i have been called to acknowledge and fess up to my actions and decisions in the last year past.
and what i have realised is this-
1) i was horrendously wrong to let my body take over my heart.
2) as a result of that horrendously wrong decision, i am now bereft of the one true thing that i had, that i had been looking for all my life time.
3) and the result of the absence of that comforting constant had left me shattered with no hope of redemption, of recovering that loss
can horrendously wronged deeds be undone? or at least be over done? or done over,but in a different way?

im home,alone 3 am on a sunday.how queer of me:-)
i remember when queer used to be a safe word,back in the day with 'gay'. fast forward to the year 2007 or even a decade before that(or more),it's just not excusable to use those words without the underbelly of the belly. are we raping the etymological status of these words? or are we breathing life into them,getting them out of their proverbial closet?
see,i feel queer(not strange or weird or out of place or any other convulated variations i can think of for the word queer).therefore i shall damn well use the queer word queer without fear or trepidation of there being an implication of it being anything else besides what im feeling right now.
wonderful tangent , here i am

after weeks of volumnously talking about it,polly has finally taken up knitting. if you ask me, i think it's just another one of the many doors she starts to open but never ever walks through.
luck

ps-long live the lizard king :-)

dear sir

u will never know that your fire consumed mine and that i was glad that it did.

now i want the cant have

its like a dance really
a swish of skirts
a tap of a shoe
click click
left and right
to the
front and back
side to side
then a step
and new hands new fingers
colors smoke fire

i want the dance to stop
yesterday
when there were very strong worthy fingers

cuts and bruises,for me seem perfunctory now. like a prerequisite even. if im not blue black purple and finally gray,just the holding of hands would not suffice.
so here i am,walking away from hands that hold hands
to dagger plunges,wrist cuts and neck wrangling.

hallelujah!

im bleeding
because i was prepared to bleed.